Payback

Your Time is Coming!

A New Beginning

What do you do when you know you can’t fit in? Every now and then you manage to tell a joke that makes a couple of people laugh, or you might be in the right place at the right time to see that thing go down, and say, “ yeah, I was there.” However no matter how much you try things just never seem to click. You remain on the outside of everything. Watching everyone laugh and joke with each other, knowing you can never have what they come by so easily. That is my story. Or was, once upon a time. I was always “that guy” and never “The Man.” And since I was just “that guy” no one ever really knew how I felt about it. No one ever really cared. At least that’s what I thought. At first.

I used to be your average everyday kid. I went to school during the day and went home after. I wandered the grounds of my campus, looking for where I belonged, trying to find the group of people I could just be with. I always ended up wandering around. Then I entertained myself by trying to create interesting fictions in my head that gave me a reason to wander. I was always looking for someone; someone that just was always never there, or just around the next corner.

While I was roaming the enclosure that was school I would occasionally come across people I knew. I guess you could call them my friends. We spent some time together and talked, but it never went beyond that. I didn’t form fierce bonds with anyone, there was always some kind of wall or barrier that fenced me away from the others I encountered. We would talk, share stories, trade information and move on. If I saw them again after class, great, if not, oh well.

At first I didn’t think anything about my waif-like wanderings around the campus, until someone pulled me to the side and asked me if I had any friends, and whether or not I wanted them. The question struck me and I just stared at the person, not sure what to think. I mean of course I wanted friends, who didn’t. I looked around and realized that I didn’t really have anyone around me that I felt all that comfortable with. I didn’t know if I should make it my immediate mission to set about changing that right away, or if it was something that I was ok with. I needed to think about the answer to this question because it was serious business and not something I could simply throw out an answer to right away. I mean deciding whether or not you want friends is a serious question and not one you should answer to lightly.

So I walked around and thought about it. Why didn’t I have friends? I started thinking about those people I knew from my classes. I realize I didn’t really find anyone interesting enough to try to get to know any better. Then I thought about the people I traded stories with and found that while they were great to pass five or ten minutes with, they weren’t exactly people I could see myself talking to for longer than thirty minutes with.

I started to think that maybe there was something wrong with me, and that there was a problem with me. I mean, was I anti-social? Or was it that everyone else was just that boring? I mean the only thing everyone seemed to talk about was American Idol, or MTV, or some new reality TV show that I never seemed to care enough about to try to find on TV. Not exactly the most interesting of topics to get me to come around and start chatting with people.

I was starting to think I was doomed to spend the rest of my year bored out of my gourd when everything changed. That’s when I met Alice. That’s when I found out I could fly.

It's amazing how quickly things can change, and then be forgotten. Considering how much I love to write you'd think I'd spend more time on this blog instead of only the three posts that I've managed to throw up since I've started the dang thing. But alas, by the time I finish my day job and go to practice and any volunteer activities I may have scheduled, it's hard to find the time or the energy to put pen to pad, or in this case, fingers to keyboard to compose a new story, or anything else. I know writing is like a muscle and like anything it has to be worked and flexed if it is going to be of any use. So why not flex it? I flex regularly in practice, and do other things to try to expand my knowledge on trivia and random factoids, but as my friend Monica told me a while ago, why don't I keep doing those things that I do? Karate and writing. That's what I do. (I'd like to add guitar in there, but that's just me).

So it has me thinking that I might be a little lazy. I mean I have these three things that I really enjoy, but I only put a cursory effort into doing them. Well let me rephrase that. I put a lot of effort into Karate. Guitar comes in at a very distant number 2 and writing even further behind that at number 3. (now maybe i'm some kind of masochist, because these three things are very hard to get down. Karate in terms of the physical side, guitar I'm teaching myself, and writing, well let's just say I have very exacting standards, but I digress).

This most recent time I was in Japan, I was told I should pick up my CPA. But if I can barely make time to do the things I really enjoy, how on earth am I going to the things that are WORK I should be doing to get the better life thing going? I hope the idea of Kanako come is going to keep me going cause if not, I'm in trouble, and I need to get myself Motivated and keep sprinting. I guess I could always just stop sleeping...

A beginning

And then, there was darkness.

The wind tugged on Sachel's great coat, snapping it out to her side as she hovered in the air. She felt the fickle wind pull her coat to her left, before suddenly shifting to her right. She felt it press up against her body as the wind rushed up from behind her, then heard the small thunderclap as it was snapped back behind her.

Sachel however was unmoved by the dark wind. Her blue skin shone bright and hot in the darkness, marking a stark contrast with the yellows and oranges of her great coat. She may have wondered idly if the coat would ever settle and be done jerking itself around, and what she would do if it ever did. Or maybe she was simply annoyed with the inconsistency of the wind, wondering if it would ever settle itself.

Whatever she was feeling, she did not let it show on her face. Her face had a stoic quality that conveyed a patient acceptance of the windy darkness around her. Whatever she felt or thought was not shown, she was simply there...

Not Enough Butter for Your Bread

Today I had a miracle happen.

Some people know that I have been struggling with a lot of different issues on my plate lately. Personally, professionally, academically, every -ly you can think of has been taking me to task lately, and I've felt like I'm a certified failure in a lot of areas.

It comes from giving your all to EVERYTHING you do. No matter what. I've been trying to go at 150% with everything I attempt, and haven't been able to focus on any one thing, so everything suffers. Between my fiance, my dreams, my reality at work, and a haunting memory, I feel that I've been pulled in so many directions at the same time. To quote Bilbo, "I feel stretched, like butter scrapped across too much bread."

Lately, there have been many poignant reminders of a person that I shared my life with that ended very badly. It is a guilt that I have been carrying around for a long time. And unfortunately, the situation is such that I cannot reach out to talk to the source for many different reasons. So a guilt i shouldn't be carrying weighs heavily upon my heart, and tonight I was going to write to the source to resolve things. Hoping she might respond to this email when she hasn't to others.

As I was climbing the stairs to my apartment I was composing the email I would write to said memory, when I came across a letter from my Ofukuro. For those of you that don't know, Ofukuro is Japanese for Mom, ergo, Ofukuro is my Japanese mom. This is the woman that went all for broke for me when I first went to Japan, and through her influence has made everything happen since. Seeing a letter from her totally dashed every negative thought I have had or had been feeling lately. I ran upstairs and tore open the letter.

It was short, but it was filled with love, congratulatory sentiments regarding my upcoming nuptials with Kanako, and simple happiness. Folk, I have to say, this made my bloody month. It lifted my up in a time of darkness.

It just goes to show, I had been searching for something to lift my out of this funk I've been. To help me be a little less stressed about life. And something unasked for and unlooked for appeared. It reminds me, you don't always get what you want, but sometimes you do get what you need...

Sometimes You Gotta Stop Praying and Just Get to Work

Yesterday morning I was browsing Facebook, and I came across a quote on a friend's page that said "A pair of hands engaged in hard work accomplish more than a billion hands clasped in prayer." That comment really hit home though I did have to rework it to the title of this post.

With my upcoming nuptials, a lot of things have been really concerning for me. Mostly how to be able to pay for visa and green card, plus wedding, plus grad school, plus move to NYC, etc etc. I have been very frustrated trying to get it all figured out. I was praying a lot (my own flavor of it at least), and trying really hard to stay positive. It wasn't working.

Then I read that quote. It was a like a lightning bolt straight to my brain. After reworking it to be more pertinent to myself, it served as a self-swift kick to the ass to get me going. I started downloading podcasts on the GMAT, and Stern Business School, and really decided to stop bellyaching and just get it done. My goal is to be an International Consultant and I've gotta really focus on it.

Then last night my buddy Victor called me out for a happy hour. I decided with a little reluctance to go, because I haven't seen the boys lately. While I'm there I happen to meet TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE that have connections in International Consulting. Major score.

My moral of this story is that prayer is great to provide comfort in times of hardship, but until YOU actually start doing something about the situation nothing is going to change. My situation hasn't been fixed by any means whatsoever, but I've been handed a set of directions to at least get me to the path.

Considering I know a lot of people that are unhappy with their particular situation right now, I've been hearing a lot of complaints and depressing stories. I didn't realize I was one of them. Time to change that. And that thought reminds of a quote from Gandhi. "Be the change you want to see in the world." I want my friends and loved ones to improve their lives, but the change isn't going to come from whatever flavor of super powered deity they turn to. It comes from within.

coffee and a hippopotamus bodyguard

Today was a nice and relaxing day. I had a relaxed morning, took a friend some coffee, and spent a lot of time thinking about things. One of the best things that really made my day was the look on my friends face when I showed up coffee in hand for a quick chat. It brought a really good feeling on and I started thinking that it's too bad that I can't make the whole giving thing a full time thing. But oh well. It did get me thinking on things, and when I got back home I started taking care of some business. After eating dinner, I popped in my roommates copy of the new BBC documentary of life. And the first disc had a segment on challenges in life, and it showcased some hippos. The hippos were battling it out over mating rights. I can only think of one word to describe it. EPIC.

The way those things were going at it, I was just amazed and thought how awesome would it be to get anthropomorphic. My first thought about these giant baddies was nature's sumo wrestlers. But as I was watching the epic unfold, I started imagining mafia dons sitting around a table, and juxtaposed a hippo's head with a body in a three peace suit. Then a dark hard, holding a hippo-sized glock. Thus the hippopotamus bodyguard was born.

Think about it. They're huge, have really bad tempers, and just don't give a damn. Now to get them into a story...