What do you do when you know you can’t fit in? Every now and then you manage to tell a joke that makes a couple of people laugh, or you might be in the right place at the right time to see that thing go down, and say, “ yeah, I was there.” However no matter how much you try things just never seem to click. You remain on the outside of everything. Watching everyone laugh and joke with each other, knowing you can never have what they come by so easily. That is my story. Or was, once upon a time. I was always “that guy” and never “The Man.” And since I was just “that guy” no one ever really knew how I felt about it. No one ever really cared. At least that’s what I thought. At first.
I used to be your average everyday kid. I went to school during the day and went home after. I wandered the grounds of my campus, looking for where I belonged, trying to find the group of people I could just be with. I always ended up wandering around. Then I entertained myself by trying to create interesting fictions in my head that gave me a reason to wander. I was always looking for someone; someone that just was always never there, or just around the next corner.
While I was roaming the enclosure that was school I would occasionally come across people I knew. I guess you could call them my friends. We spent some time together and talked, but it never went beyond that. I didn’t form fierce bonds with anyone, there was always some kind of wall or barrier that fenced me away from the others I encountered. We would talk, share stories, trade information and move on. If I saw them again after class, great, if not, oh well.
At first I didn’t think anything about my waif-like wanderings around the campus, until someone pulled me to the side and asked me if I had any friends, and whether or not I wanted them. The question struck me and I just stared at the person, not sure what to think. I mean of course I wanted friends, who didn’t. I looked around and realized that I didn’t really have anyone around me that I felt all that comfortable with. I didn’t know if I should make it my immediate mission to set about changing that right away, or if it was something that I was ok with. I needed to think about the answer to this question because it was serious business and not something I could simply throw out an answer to right away. I mean deciding whether or not you want friends is a serious question and not one you should answer to lightly.
So I walked around and thought about it. Why didn’t I have friends? I started thinking about those people I knew from my classes. I realize I didn’t really find anyone interesting enough to try to get to know any better. Then I thought about the people I traded stories with and found that while they were great to pass five or ten minutes with, they weren’t exactly people I could see myself talking to for longer than thirty minutes with.
I started to think that maybe there was something wrong with me, and that there was a problem with me. I mean, was I anti-social? Or was it that everyone else was just that boring? I mean the only thing everyone seemed to talk about was American Idol, or MTV, or some new reality TV show that I never seemed to care enough about to try to find on TV. Not exactly the most interesting of topics to get me to come around and start chatting with people.
I was starting to think I was doomed to spend the rest of my year bored out of my gourd when everything changed. That’s when I met Alice. That’s when I found out I could fly.
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